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Friday, September 23rd, 2005
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1:24 pm
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sufjan stevens is now one of my personal favourites.
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| Thursday, September 1st, 2005
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5:59 pm - um hi
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so if you HAVENT added me yet
add my myspace
www.myspace.com/wingsandbones
and my new lj:
__microphones ... thats TWO underscores
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| Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005
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8:07 pm - i'd like a new beginning...
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if youd like to add me... and i hope you would...
my new journal is
__microphones
i will not be using this journal anymore. i dont want to remember anything in it because its in the past and it should be buried.
id like to start over. from scratch.
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| Sunday, August 21st, 2005
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11:12 am - VOTING TIME!
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OKAY sooooo i neeeeed some help deciding
im going to stop using this journal. theres too much ive said in this one that i dont want people thinking of me by. this journal was written by a silly girl who believed that the whole world revolved around her. i read some of my earlier entries and couldnt believe that it wasnt written by a 13 year old moron. and then i read all of my depressing emo stuff and couldnt believe that i had ever shared any of that. obviously i dont mind getting too personal. well anyway. here are the choicessssss. ive already made them, i just need to see which one to use and not to use.
already one vote for
__microphones
i just like microphones.
and one vote for
wingsandbones
wings and bones is a division day song that i absolutely love. some anorexic psycho girl already had just plain wings_and_bones so i had to not have spacing between the words. other choice to have the name is wingsxandxbones.
i was thinking about just making wingsxandxbones solely a photo journal and making __microphones a journal for little entries, maybe a big one here and there, and a few of my favourite things, (meaning fav photos and such).
i change journals like crazy. but mainly, i just want to grow out of this journal and become someone else. i thought it fitting for all the changes that are about to occur in my life.
ps these journals (whichever i use, or if i use both) will be a little more arsty and a little more funky than any other journal ive had. so... stay tuned.
current mood:  exhausted
current music: phoenix and the turtle- rape
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| Thursday, August 18th, 2005
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9:46 pm
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pretty much this thing is friends only...
but theres just too much to edit to make it all entirely friends only
i have a new one, im thinking about if ill use it yet... no not _colorful and ummmmmmm i shall seeeeeeeee
i have to stop saying pretty much. sarah roth is rubbing off on me. im pretty much okay with that. haha. but only since sarah roth is the coolest person ever.
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| Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005
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7:45 pm - "dont let the conversation die"
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i found out like 3 days ago that olympic year has decided to break up. WHAT IS GOING ON?!? why is every local band deciding to split?? i knew something was fishy when a few weeks ago i listened to green is green and i was like IS THIS DAVE?!? and i read the bio and it didnt say who it was but it said "I made some music with my good buddies and now that is coming to an end." and i was like omg... if it IS dave... and it SOUNDS like dave... does that mean... olympic year is coming to an end??????! and now my worst fear has come true. so like all other times (like with for the design, professor marvel...), i knew before it happened because of fishy-ness and my worst thoughts had become reality.
olympic year shall go down in my hall of fame which includes... For the Design, Watashi Wa, The Genues, and Professor Marvel and old know youre waking... among others.
*sigh* my throat is on fire. im not sure if this burning sensation is due to the fact that i want to cry because san jose has barely anymore good bands... and because im never going to see olympic year on stage again unless they have a random reunion show and i dont know about that cus im still waiting on the genues' reunion show and its been 2 years... i always cry when bands break up. especially good ones. because its like... you HAD it... there was something there that was just magical... in the music, in the chemistry, in the friendships, on stage....
and im afraid... all i keep thinking is... whos next?
no other news worth speaking of. i might get drums on saturday. im getting my faux hawk the weekend before school. thats all. *looks down* im ready to leave san jose after all of this. the memories of shows are good... but i dont want to remember empty stages and empty crowds and meaningless music that will be coming soon after this... honestly... its almost like i dont even want to go to shows now... i mean... is there any hope? i want these bands to last because there music is what i grew up on. their music is what has shaped me for the past few years and made me love music all together and... and... without them... well i just cant even imagine NOT getting ready for an olympic year show and being excited on the way to the show, blaring their music. this is depressing. ill cling to fighting jacks and maida for dear life now....
im going to go play my guitar... some olympic year songs, you know. my heart feels like its swelling. maybe ill go for a run.
current mood: crushed
current music: olympic year- goodbye
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| Wednesday, July 27th, 2005
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7:22 pm - anything and everything is boring.
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my livejournal is useless. so is my myspace.
pointless.
careless.
WHO GIVES A SHIT
blah.
faux hawk soon. very soon.
do i ever make sense? no.
current music: brendan benson
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| Monday, July 25th, 2005
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10:54 am - what happens when two substances collide?
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Over prescribed / under the mister / we had survived to / turn on the history channel / and ask our esteemed panel / why are we alive / and here’s how they replied / you’re what happens when two substances collide / and by all accounts you really should’ve died / stretched out on the tarmac / six miles south of North Platte / he can’t stand to look back / at sixteen tons of HAZMAT / and it’s what goes / undelivered undelivered / and it’s a nervous tic motion of the head to the left / it’s a nervous tic motion of the head to the left / exorcise your cells till you’re bereft / ‘cause it’s a nervous tic motion of the head to the left / splayed out on a bathmat / six miles north of South Platte / and he just wants his life back / what’s in that paper knapsack / it’s what goes undelivered / over imbibed / under the mister / barely alive we / cover the blisters in flannel / though the words we speak / are banal / not one of them’s a lie / not one of them’s a lie / you’re what happens when two substances collide / and by all accounts you really shoulda died
current mood: crummy.
current music: andrew bird
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| Wednesday, July 13th, 2005
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10:39 am
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im getting a faux hawk in 3 weeks... its scary cus ive never had hair shorter than my shoulder... so my hair has ALWAYS been long... except when i was like 5 and even that cut was longer than this one...
a faux hawk. + dye that strip of hair dark purple (hardly noticeable but definite change). its senior year. lets go all out. im tired of being home and the only way i can get back at them is to do things that are drastic and things that they would hate but have no control over.... thus... faux hawk.
uhhhm and... i miss my friends. a lot.
do i even have friends?
i dunno but i miss someone.
current music: the doors and some of hendrix
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| Tuesday, June 21st, 2005
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12:13 pm - decisions, decisions.... do i take the chance? it could be all im waiting for.
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its okay. youre right. and im moving on.
so lets be friends.
on another note. am i leaving or what? i dont know where im going. but i feel like if i stay here im going nowhere fast. if i leave ill find a small place in a small town and ill live day by day, free. itll be a struggle to make ways by myself, to get an education and a job and all and to make my dreams come true... but if thats the price of freedom, ill do it. i can see it... i can feel it like its a breath to take in and swallow, either i swallow that breath or i swallow the pill. theres too much heat here. i cant take it and i dont want to. the constant nagging and ripping at my ego, i just cant handle it. its breaking me down and its killing me, literally. so do i go and live, or do i stay and die?
i turned to the Bible last night in hopes for some strength of mind...
2 Peter 1:5-11 - "Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge; and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverence, godliness; and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, Christian love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these qualities is blind or short-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins. Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you; for as long as you practice these things, you will never stumble; for in this way the entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will be abundantly supplied to you."
im nowhere close to this and these qualities are decreasing in me when they should be increasing.... so where have i gone wrong. I've welcomed hate into my heart. i've not forgiven those who have harmed me but i'm not strong enough to forgive them. ive turned away from my Father as ive grown to hate my biological father. My goal is to go home to live with the Lord and ive let these obstacles sweep me away from my purpose and goal and im lost without that hope.
"Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord" I'm straying from my rock and i'm struggling on the path i'm taking. its time for a change and ive come to the part of the path where it splits in two directions. My heart says go left, take that path and let it lead you, you know not where it leads but have faith that something good will come of this, have faith that it will be someplace better, somewhere you can thrive. my mind says go right, it is the right so it must be right? but this path is narrow and straight and flat and i can see where im headed. i know what to expect on this path and i know where it will take me. it is dangerous but the end is much more secure, but there is a large chance i may not reach the end. my feet say "RETREAT, RETREAT!" go back to where you came from, nothing good can come from either, both are painful and challenging. you are weak and surely cannot survive either. RETREAT AND GIVE IN AND CONFORM, continue to stay stagnant, let your heart die and remain submissive! my body is tired from the struggle and begs for my to stay put, it begs to lie down where i stand and give up, the decision is too hard, so dont make it at all, but if i die like this, will Jesus still love me?
so i stand here at the crossroads, barefoot on the dirt path. do i turn left or right? do i retreat and give up my heart? or do i stay put and give up? two ways im choosing death; one way im choosing sharp edges that will pierce my skin and leave me breathless in a dark cave, facing a small bright light in the distance: hope and desperation in one breath; and one way im choosing to walk blindly but freely, an uncertainty that scares and thrills me.
so which way do i go?
current mood: drained
current music: acceptance- take cover (acoustic)
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| Wednesday, June 15th, 2005
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3:12 pm - i feeeel indie and incredibly at peace
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i want it to be winter... or at least fall... this weather, its nice... but its not entirely my cup of tea. i want to crawl under the blankets and open my window and feel the cold air on my face with full knowledge that i dont have to go to work and i dont have to go to school and i dont have to do anything but lie there and look at my window at the gray sky and naked branches of the trees.
i want to go to la. and i want to fall in love with a beautiful indie boy. someone who isnt emo and someone who is odd but lovely at the same time. someone who is pure who doesnt count the hours until he can go get high. i dont want to go to school anymore. i want to get a job at a venue and spend all my time in a little cafe on the street corner. ill bring my guitar if you bring yourself.
i dont want to think about money anymore. i want to be a young bride. i want to have babies. i want to live in the country, maybe on a farm. i dont want to wear shoes anymore. i only want to wear pale cotton dresses and fluffy skirts and i want to let the grass grow long and wild flowers take over my backyard.
i want to have a little mystery. i want to wake up and feel good about the world i live in.
i want things...
[i think this means i should move to Ireland]
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| Sunday, June 12th, 2005
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7:50 pm
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i jogged 3 miles today... JESUS IT FELT GOOD...
and im back in the game... my knee reallllly doesnt like it... but too bad, cus i do.
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| Sunday, May 29th, 2005
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10:53 am - porsche.
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MEANmeaaaaanest dream ever.
i dreamed that my sister gave me a brand new black porsche and i was in love with it and kept looking at it and i posted everywhere that it my porsche=hothotsecks
AND THEN. i woke up. it felt so real. im soooo bummed. psh. ill never afford a porsche.
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| Monday, May 23rd, 2005
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1:37 pm
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From corner to next
I can shut my eyelids
Or better yet
I can hold them open
Facing forward
... this is colorful
current music: know youre waking- colorful
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| Friday, May 20th, 2005
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3:29 pm - if ure doin somethin tonight, ditch it and hang out with me...
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ummmmm go to the portable tonight:
HAWTHORN!!!! (yesssssss!)
Olympic Year
The Northeast
MAIDA
at 7? yes? uhm... its going to be good. because... hawthorn will be there... and... olympic year, and the northeast, and maida...
:)
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| Monday, May 16th, 2005
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3:27 pm - how ARE you dears?!? and what have you been up to?!
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hello, old friends, how are you?
even if youve never talked to me in person or anything... or if i havent talked to you in a year or two or more...
id like you to know that i still really care. this year has been mayhem. its ridiculous! but... things happen. ive come to the realization that theres so many people that i have lost touch with, and i see you everyday in the halls or i dont... but regardless you've changed and i've changed and things have happened, and id like to know how YOU are...
as for me, i cant wait until the summer. two weeks, can you imagine?! this summer shalllll be one to remember... particularly because for once i feel like its a summer worth living... senior year will be amazing. i plan on actually being a highschool student. i think ill like feeling like a kid for once... and i think thats what im missing. its a solution...
but so... drop a word, or a few... id like to know how your day was or what you plan on doing in the summer...
lets make plans... or be spontaneous, dear...
honestly, even if we dont know each other... id like to be friends...
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| Monday, May 9th, 2005
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9:25 pm
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i need a new aim sn...
any ideas?
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11:11 am
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REMIND me to request may 20th off...
work will fire me because ive pretty much requested HALF of this month off
too bad... im not missing the show at the portable... olympic year, hawthorn, fighting jacks, the northeast... its like...
uggggggh! im not missing it for the life of me!
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| Thursday, May 5th, 2005
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9:04 pm - speedy gonzales... what? i just randomly typed that
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rice pudding is disgusting... it looked good... and then i tried some... ugh
i just got out of the shower. ill be in LA for the next couple of days and originally we were going to miss monday but my dad says that we wont. (bummer) id like to see jon while im there but it wont happen because ill be with my parents. itll feel worse being in the same area as him and not being with him than being this far from him and not being with him...
today was a hard day. i woke up tired. i havent been getting more than 3 hours of sleep each night for the past (almost) 3 weeks... my brain has sorta pooped out and stopped working. i got in an argument with my ethics teacher and started a 50 minute debate. nothing very good came out of it other than the straight out lashing and exposure of how we feel about mr v's teaching. People came up to me afterword and said a few words... like COley... lol shes funny... Lexi said "you still didnt answer my question" and "you just walked around my question" over and over until he got pink and changed the subject. i was so glad she had said it because its how we all feel when we ask a question and he says nothing that pertains to the direct question we asked. he told me that i need to have an open mind.
thats a laugh.
its funny how everything feels so unemotional right now and i feel so detached...
p to the s: i was quoted five times in the cover story of the metro... read it... its good:
http://www.metropdf.com/0518_MT_1_front.pdf
current music: hidden in plainview- ashes ashes
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| Saturday, April 30th, 2005
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2:03 pm
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i forgot everything i had to say.
its been a while
id like to think nothing has changed
but i know that everything has
you dont know what im talking about
you never know
youll never know...
"Take you, by the hand
no one can see, just you and me
just one time, can I kiss you?
the principal's coming again
Nothing is better
Nothing is better
than you and me behind the walls so no one can see
just you and me behind the wallls so no one can see..."
current music: the innocence
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xplead_julyx's journal